By now you know that we talk a lot around here about deserving what we want. By definition, this means becoming the kind person who can attract the MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) we dream about. But importantly, it ALSO means we have to know how to RECOGNIZE great ones and ELIMINATE the wrong ones from our lives. Then and ONLY then do we have a clear shot at entering that magical realm affectionately known as “full control over one’s dating life”.
Once we get over personal issues related to confidence (e.g. “Great women? That’s for other guys…they’ll never want ME.”) and/or flat-out laziness it’s time to take inventory regarding the kind of women we as guys have been inviting into our lives. As you’ve heard me talk about before, all too many guys get into the position of waking up one day and finding themselves married to a woman they didn’t even CHOOSE.
How on earth does that happen? Well, it all begins when they hook up with someone out of pure convenience or even coincidence who happened to like them some. But what perpetuates it is the simple truth that even when a guy finds himself in such a mediocre situation, he STILL doesn’t end things…at least not soon enough.
Below are six lame-o (but unfortunately very common) excuses that we as guys use to fool ourselves into staying in relationships that are far from fulfilling. And really all of what we’re talking about today is equal opportunity, so any ladies out there listen up. By the way-FAIR WARNING-I’m about to lay it on the line in a starkly forthright manner, so get ready.
1) “But The Sex Is Pretty Good”
Man, if this isn’t the battle cry of the sex-focused yet desperate man. The insidious thought here is that if the breakup happens, he isn’t going to be “getting any”…maybe for a LONG time.
This isn’t merely shortsighted, it completely lacks vision altogether. Often the same guys who regard “sexual variety” as an exciting thought are the exact ones who stay with the same woman just because their sex life might suffer if they don’t. I’m not sure whether this is “oxymoronic” or just “moronic”. But such are the tricks a guy’s mind can play on him when sex alone is the focus.
I don’t care who the woman is, after you have had sex with her a number of times you are going to know your way around and need something MUCH deeper to sustain a relationship. Need proof? Okay, for all you “one handed web surfers” out there, find the most smokin’ hottie on the web you can find. Get all the video clips and pics you can handle. How long is it going to be until you are bored and looking for the next one? I give you fifteen minutes…tops. Real life is no different. If it’s all about the sex, your priorities are messed up.
By the way, there’s another angle to this. If you are staying with a woman because the sex is particularly good, I’ve got news for you. Women tend to respond to a man’s leadership in the bedroom. Great sex starts with YOU. Once you can ignite feminine passion, you’ll find that women respond. Then again, if you are “sex-focused yet desperate man” as mentioned, you have a very real point in believing you “got lucky” if the woman you are currently with is sexually exciting.
2) “But She’s The HOTTEST One I’ve Ever Been With”
This concept follows the one above very closely. When a guy who is used to dating mediocre women finds himself with a particularly hot one, it’s disarmingly simple to fall into a trap of believing he’ll never in a million years be able to repeat such good fortune.
Now, once the woman picks up on this one of three things can happen. First, his insecurity will cause her to realize she’s way out of his league and the breakup will take care of itself…courtesy of her. Second, she may be an outstanding woman of all-around character to match her external beauty and everyone’s happy-and rightly so. BUT…she may also opportunistically proceed to take full advantage of the situation and steamroll the guy into oblivion. This third situation is the one I’m most interested in for now.
What’s the cure for letting go of the hottest woman you’ve ever been with when you know she’s poisonous? Easy. If you can do this once, you can do it again. How’s that for an uncomplicated answer? It’s all a matter of personal confidence. It was not a fluke that she was attracted enough to you to be with you. Other women will feel the same way…and if you continue to build upon your masculine character and confidence level you’ll find that you may even RAISE THE BAR. I’ve lost count of the number of guys I know who have finally kicked the wrong (but hot) woman out of their lives only to slap themselves upside the head sooner than later for not having done so months (or even years) earlier.
3) “I Don’t Want To Make Her Cry…I’d Feel Like A Bad Guy”
Granted, most guys don’t like to make women cry. And this isn’t even about women being “emotional manipulators” most of the time. We as guys do this to ourselves, simply because we want to avoid something that is unpleasant and will perhaps cause some sense of guilt. The truth is that if the breakup needs to happen, putting an upsetting moment off is only increasing the potential agony later. Imagine the tears if you are headed to divorce court years from now…with little kids in the balance.
4) “Aw Man…I’d Have To Start Completely Over”
Okay, there can indeed be some insecurity at issue here. But really this is usually all about flat-out laziness. Even if the relationship falls short of expectations it’s often just way to COMFORTABLE to stick around. Otherwise, a guy has to go out and meet some other woman, go through the whole “get to know you” process, meet the parents again, build another whole history, etc.
And why would all of that sound like drudgery as opposed to something that’s actually exciting? Truth be told, staying in stale relationships can in these cases literally be a matter of continuing to wake up doing exactly what went on yesterday rather than TAKING ACTION. That’s right…pure PROCRASTINATION.
Not surprisingly, many guys report a feeling of having had a “weight lifted off their shoulders” when they finally make the right call in these situations and break things off. Go figure.
By the way, for most people who deserve what they want it takes way, way less time to make a real, valid connection with someone new than they think. I’ve personally met someone online in the morning, gone to coffee in the afternoon and soon shared a mutual feeling of “having known each other for ten years”. Knowing that’s a fully replicable scenario can take the edge off of having to “start over”, huh?
5) “It’s Just A Phase…We’ll Figure It Out And Get Through It”
Also known as “denial”. So you think that an inability to get along, be sexually compatible and/or share a common core belief system is going to “change over time”? You’re deluding yourself. And you’re in especially deep yogurt if she’s telling you that “having a baby” will “bring you closer together”.
Don’t shout me down for telling the truth. It never ceases to amaze me how I can repeatedly encounter couples in public who can’t stand each other…and they aren’t even married.
6) “She Just Has This Way Of Talking Me Out Of It”
I’ll tell you, some women are world-class expert salespeople. Their determination is impressive at times. Impressive enough to cause you to keep her around, perhaps even after you’ve openly expressed a desire to move on. This can present itself through such classic statements as: “I just haven’t been myself lately…give me a chance”, “How can you throw away something so GOOD?”, and “You just don’t know what you want yet-you’ll wake up and see how great I am for you soon.”
The, of course, there’s my personal least-favorite, the infamous: “What? Do you think you’re EVER going to find someone else as good as me?”. Yeah, yeah. See #2 above. That’s manipulation at it’s worst.
For all six of the examples above, another sentiment usually applies and is common to each. That’s the whole notion of, “Hey, there’s always someone out there worse off than I am, right?” This is not the mindframe of someone who regards him or herself as deserving what he or she wants, is it?
The bottom line is this: He (or she) who stays with someone long after the breakup probably should have happened SETTLES.
And “settling” invariably leads to bitterness. The one who feels he or she could have “done better” has his or her nose pressed to the glass looking out at “greener grass” elsewhere…probably with a nauseous feeling all the while. But what of the person who has been “settled for”? Is he or she doing cartwheels over his or her good fortune? Not on your life…the feeling of not being wanted by your “significant other” is one of the most empty, humiliating and degrading feelings imaginable.
The truth is EVERYONE SUFFERS when people SETTLE.