Why do men pull away in relationships? If you’ve had several relationships that haven’t worked out, you may well have noticed a pattern. You get keen and he gets edgy. When the relationship reaches a certain point, somehow he seems to stop pursuing you and almost disappear completely from your life. At this point, you probably end up chasing him, usually trying to get to the bottom of what on earth is going on. When you finally catch up with him, you let him know exactly how hurt you feel. Your relationship is now hanging by a thread and you feel further apart than ever. It’s a very frustrating and disappointing experience for a woman.
So why do men withdraw? Well, if you’ve read John Gray’s famous book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, you will no doubt be aware that a man will regularly go into “his cave”. This refers to his withdrawal response which is a normal part of the male experience. So get used to it! It relates to the hunter-protector instinct from way back in caveman days, when a man had to be prepared to cut off his emotions and prepare for “fight or flight” during hunting and other dangerous situations.
Men are solution orientated and often he will disappear when he has a problem to solve or he needs to work something out. That means that you shouldn’t necessarily take it personally, so don’t just assume that it’s all about you. Often after you spend the most romantic loving time together, you think this closeness is going to last forever and you want more. Then suddenly, he’s gone again, back to his work or to focus on whatever is his latest project.
However frustrating this is, you must accept his need for his own space and his own stuff. Don’t allow this to become a negative aspect in your relationship and the cause of frustration and tension. If you do, you will lose him. Let him go cheerfully and be happy to see him when he comes back, and he will keep coming back. Often much of a man’s effort is focussed towards providing for his loved ones, his relationship and the future. So this is actually a good thing and your appreciation of this will drive him on to even better things for you both.
Because of his need to focus on finding solutions, it is almost certain that at some point he will need space to figure things out in your relationship. A major reason for withdrawal is when he realises for the first time that you’ve started to think about a future together and he’s not really considered it up to now.
Now is the time when it’s really important to stay cool and not chase after him. If you do, he will see you as desperate to push him into something he’s not sure he’s ready for. He will feel trapped and start to look for a way out. Give him space to miss you, and reach his own decision, and the chances are he will work out that you are one cool lady and a great catch.
So now you know why men pull away in relationships. You also know that when he gets distant you don’t chase after him. However hard it is, you must let him go and wait for him to come back. When he returns, it should be to a positive, happy experience and not to an outpouring of your feelings of abandonment. When you understand these principles, you will be able to keep your relationship together even through the times when he withdraws.