Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed
1. Stop buying cheap makeup. Instead, spend half your paycheck on expensive beauty products made from the blood of twentysomethings…
2. …and then invest the other half of your paycheck in a pair of fashionable, yet uncomfortable, shoes that will cause irreparable damage to your spine – gotta hit that insurance deductible by the end of the year!
3. Stop working. Obviously, you should be printing your own counterfeit money at home by now because it's the fastest way to close the wage gap.
4. If you’re single, don’t stop dating. In fact, you should quit your job and open your own bar called, “Literally Just Me, A Single Woman Over 30.”
5. If you’re in a relationship, don’t scare your significant other off by being ~too real~ about what you want. Instead, get a very fake, wax mannequin made of yourself and swap it out when your partner isn't looking.
6. And if you’re married, don’t let things get BORING in the bedroom. Spice it up! Give your spouse a sensual massage using Tabasco sauce. They'll love it.
Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed
7. If you’re a mother, don’t forget to make an Etsy-inspired suggestion box for other parents to place their “you’re parenting wrong” comments in – later, you can set it on fire and roast marshmallows over it with your kids.
8. ENOUGH with the ~fun~ blue eye shadow! At your age you should stick to more neutral colors like: “Focused On My Retirement” and “Why Do I Have Heartburn?”
9. Don't experiment with hair color either. Instead, try shaving a message into your head that tells people to mind their own business.
10. Never let anyone see your wrinkles. Wear a creepy clown mask instead and chase after anyone who asks to see your ~real~ face.
11. The same goes for grey hairs… just add a hat.
12. Stop buying “fast-fashion.” Your taste in fashion shouldn’t change after 30. Literally only wear the exact outfit you’re wearing right now for the rest of your life.
13. Ditch those fun, printed tees that show off your personality. Instead, toss on a giant cardboard sign that says, “Inoffensive, just for you.” for an easy, everyday look.
14. Give up wearing shorts. Women’s legs shouldn’t see the light of day after 30. Solution: wrap them up in light-proof plastic sheeting every time before going out.