Has anyone ever said something to you that had a profound effect on your beliefs or self image? Think about your parents, teachers, clergy, or playground bully? I remember being 10 or 11 years old and being teased about my pantie lines in front of my entire class. That was 30 years ago and I still worry about pantie lines!
I believe that as parents we think (either consciously or unconsciously) that children are our possessions. We have the right to control them and make them into something that we want. In reality children are unique individual human beings. Our role as parents is to keep them safe and teach them the skills they need to make their own decisions and be independent adults. Our role is NOT to live our life through them, make them into something we want them to be, or plan out their future. If you take that road, you and/or your child will end up miserable.
In 20 years of studying human BS (belief systems) I have compiled the top 7 things you should never say to a child.
You’ll never amount to anything.
Children should be given the opportunity to explore life. Sometimes they want to sit back and observe, sometimes they will pick a new path to try. Age and the corresponding developmental stage will determine the learning task at hand. If a child is given the opportunity, he will fulfill his own personal path.
Always have a back up plan.
Children have amazing dreams. I have never heard a child say he wanted to grow up to be a desk clerk, gas station attendant, etc… While I appreciate the people who perform those duties, children have loftier goals. Our society (parents, churches, schools) encourages mediocrity. We have programs for the special needs kids but very few for the gifted. Our society is actually making our children average citizens. Who wants to be average? Encourage your child to go after the big dreams! Having a back up plan is accepting failure before you start. If you have a back up plan that is what you will be!
Because I said so.
This is a complete cop-out of an answer. A parent who uses “Because I said so” does not have the energy or desire to engage his child in conversation, and is probably stuck in a battle of wills with the child. If a child asks why then give him an honest answer. He is after all a person. Put your self in his place.
I don’t mean to meddle but…
Anything you say after this opening is trouble. If you don’t mean to meddle then don’t! This is mostly used on adult children. If you are still trying to control the life of an adult, get a hobby and let it go. You’ll both be happier.
You should…
Parents, don’t “should on” your kids. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them what they think they should do. They usually have the right answer and by asking them, you are teaching them to figure things out on their own. If by chance they don’t know the right thing to do then you have created a beautiful environment for teaching them a life skill or lesson.
Oh, grow up.
The Bible actually says that unless you become like a child, you cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven. Children are naturally curious and lighthearted. We could learn a lot if we studied them and appreciated their approach to life. Acting like a child means letting go of judgment and expectations, and living in the moment with curiosity. Try it for a few minutes a day. Take off you socks and walk in the grass.
What will the neighbors, friends, church, think?
If you can do one thing as a parent it would be to teach your child not to be concerned with what others think. Einstein said “I want to know God’s thoughts, the rest are details”. Teach your kids to be independent of the opinion of others. Teach them to listen to their inner voice. It will probably mean that they will go in the opposite direction of mainstream society. But the road less taken has the grander view.
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