When you create that connection with your spouse, you accomplish two profound things. First, you eliminate your spouse’s desire for their destructive behavior. You take the wind right out of its sail. You cut it off at its source. They don’t need it anymore. There’s no more hole to fill. YOU filled it!
Second, you offer your spouse a permanent filling for a hole that’s been insatiable probably since their childhood. (Your spouse’s destructive behaviors can probably be traced back to a disconnected relationship they had with their mother or father). And their DESIRE for your connection, a REAL and LASTING filling of that hole, will trump any momentary interest in seductive pleasures.
So how do you get your spouse to stop their destructive behavior?
You create a connection with them. Now here’s the kicker. The chances are very good that YOU have no clue how to deeply CONNECT with your spouse. You see, disconnected people tend to marry disconnected people. In other words, you picked your spouse BECAUSE they’re disconnected, and that was safe and familiar for you. (Your spouse is probably like your mother or father.). You didn’t have to make a real connection to your spouse and that’s why you fell in love with them. Your spouse didn’t need what you couldn’t offer. Do you see how that worked? It’s totally dysfunctional, but it’s true.
Now don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying that your spouse’s inappropriate behavior is your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY. Meaning, that you can choose (if you want) to do something about it. You can impact your spouse’s choices. But you’ll need to learn to forge a real connection with your spouse, and you’ll need to learn to do that WITHOUT your spouse’s cooperation.