Do you have a tingling feeling on your scalp? Do you have cravings to eat anything expensive? Are you purchasing huge sections of property and not sure why? Well just like me, it sounds like you too have a case of Trump fever! The big-time celebrity, entrepreneur, and public relations specialist that we all know and love is making serious rounds for a bid at the 2016 Presidential Election. Donald Trump is finally answering the prayers of concerned voters nationwide by stepping into the treacherous ring of American presidential politics. Stepping outdoors, you can almost feel the relief in the air since Trump decided to shoulder the burden of America’s toughest issues. It appears that he will leave no matter untouched. From the hotels that ISIS is building to the US’s dangerously low GDP in recent months, Donald seems to have the answers this country needs.
“We need someone who is good with money in that office” and “The White House needs a real businessman” are just some of the impassioned sentiments I’ve overheard from the informed patrons in the Denny’s bathroom. At a time when America’s financial trouble has taken center stage, Trump has promised to rebuild our country financially. Economically, he is not willing to lose out to the Chinese. He absolutely hates how the Chinese are taking American jobs, but he doesn’t hate Chinese people. I mean, he sold a $15 million apartment to some guy from China¹, so don’t even think about bringing up the race card. And who could forget the need for job creation? If you need reassurance for just how many jobs Trump can create, just take a peek at his hit show The Apprentice. Who could possibly be better at creating jobs than someone so direct that his known catch phrase is literally “You’re fired.” It’s no nonsense, because Trump simply doesn’t have time for nonsense.
Your concerns about foreign relations? Trump has got that totally covered. When it comes to high-stakes issues such as ISIS, Trump carefully traipses the intricacies of international diplomacy by conveying his plan to “bomb the hell out of them”.² I’ve certainly heard this same bold plan before from the guy sitting in my psychiatrist’s waiting room. With that sort of redundancy among experts, it has to be a solid idea. Of course we also have the nagging problems along the Mexican border. Trump has made it clear that all of the rapists and murderers coming over the border are one of the largest threats to the safety of this country. He stays unbiased by heeding that some immigrants are good people, it’s just that the Mexican government is “not sending their best”.³ Trump, as usual, is hitting the issue right on the nose. If the Mexican government would just send over its good Mexicans then we wouldn’t have to deal with this problem. He places blame on those responsible. Trump even has a standby plan for immediate action; a really big wall. You better believe it, Trump will be building a giant wall right on the border to keep the Mexicans out of our territory. Any good territory worth its salt has a good wall, just look at East Germany or the ancient city of Troy. It’s not even going to burden the taxpayer either, because he is just going to make the Mexican government pay for it. You would think that having another government pay for our stuff would have been attempted before, but it just goes to show how much of a maverick Trump really is. This is a practical and simple solution to an otherwise complex problem. That is just how Donald Trump does business folks.
Trump knows he has critics and he’s not afraid of them. He is remarkable at shutting down opposition with logic and evidence stating for example, “People say Trump, you’re not a nice person. But actually I am.”⁴ This is just one example of his many fierce public rebuttals. Trump has a lot of money, so he can certainly pay to have his critics removed if necessary. Opposition to Trump should keep that in mind when criticizing any of his statements. If something he says is “false”, then why is he so rich? I, and I’m sure Trump, would like to hear critics dig themselves out of that one. Trump is who we need, and I think it’s clear. He would be a president of the people, which he makes clear through forwarding laundry lists of his own achievements during public speeches. The bottom line is that Donald Trump doesn’t split hairs on the issues, just like he doesn’t split hairs on his head.