I recently heard from a wife who was desperately trying to save her marriage. Last year on a business trip, she had cheated on her husband with a coworker. She felt horribly guilty and devastated afterwards. She swore that this would be a one time thing and she would never hurt her husband by telling him about it. Unfortunately, she fell into the same pattern on the next business trip, so what she hoped would be a one time thing turned into a short term relationship. The wife always knew that the relationship was not going anywhere. She didn’t even like the coworker that much, nor did she have any deep or serious romantic feelings for him. But, as she explained it, when she traveled for business she suddenly felt free of all of her responsibilities at home and then all of her resolve flew out the window.
However, when she was home for a while and not traveling, the gravity of what she did hit her. She knew that she had to come clean and tell her husband the truth. She felt that she owed him this and she knew that she needed to have an open and honest marriage. She had hoped that her coming forward and admitting the truth would help her cause with her husband. Unfortunately, it didn’t. The husband was devastated, furious, and abrupt. As soon as he learned about the affair, he told the wife that it was a deal breaker, left their home, and filed divorce papers shortly afterward.
The wife was devastated but knew that this was mostly her fault. She wondered if she should’ve just kept the whole thing a secret. She would still have her marriage and her husband. They were both so very unhappy now and their lives were ruined. The wife told me: “I would do anything at all to get him back. This has made me realize how much I love him and how much I don’t want to live without him. Is there anyway at all to get him back? He won’t take my calls. He blocks my texts. He basically doesn’t want anything to do with me and I can’t blame him. But, if he would give me one more chance, I would be the wife that he deserves. What can I do?”
Unfortunately, the wife was now experiencing what many folks who cheat (even for the short term) come to know – that infidelity is something that you can never take back. This doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or that your loved one will never come back to you. But, it can mean that you might have to have a lot of patience, sincerity, and a workable plan. I’ve seen many wives in their situation get their husbands back eventually. And many of them have some similarities in how they handle this situation, which I will discuss more in the following article.
You Shouldn’t Push Or Rush Your Husband. He Must Decide To Come Back To You On His Own: The more that the husband resisted this wife, the more she pushed herself onto him. His pulling away from her made her feel more desperate and hopeless all of the time. These characteristics were not attractive to the husband. He felt that her remorse and her sudden attention were “too little occurring much too late.” The wife just could not seem to stop herself and kept saying “but I want him to know how sorry I am and that I love him and want another chance.”
The truth was, the husband already knew all of these things because the wife had been saying them non stop since she told him about the affair. But, what she had to understand was that the husband needed time to process what had happened and how he felt about it. He could not come to terms with it quickly due to the fact that the wife wanted this to happen. She needed to ask herself how she would respond if it were he who cheated. She told me: “I would be devastated, but I think that I would stand by him and work it out. I wouldn’t just walk away.”
While I believed that the wife was sincere about this, it’s truly impossible to know how you will respond until you are actually in the situation. Everyone is different, but learning that the person who you love and trust most in the world had betrayed you can result in some of the worst kind of pain imaginable. It’s very normal and understandable for this news to leave you reeling and for you to need some time on your own to sort things out.
The Best Strategy To Take If You Want To Get Your Husband Back After You Cheated Is A Gradual One: The first thing that I advised the wife was to tone down the desperation. It wasn’t fair for her to try to guilt or pressure her husband. He deserved any time that he might need and no one could blame him for feeling the way that he did. I suggested that the next time the wife approached him, she try a different tact.
Instead of the usual way that she made desperate promises and pleas for a commitment, she might want to consider offering patience and support instead. The next time, she might want to say something like “you have every right to have doubts and resentment. I do not blame you in the least. This was entirely my fault and I am entirely responsible. One day, if you decide to allow me to, I would also be more than willing to be responsible for fixing the situation that only I have created. I won’t pressure you. I only want you to one day be happy again. In no way was this your fault or did you deserve any of this. But, I won’t you to know that in no way does this alter how I feel about you or our marriage. But, where we go from here is not up to me. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I’d be more than willing to go to counseling or to just back off and allow for you to have some time. Whatever you need from me, all you have to do is ask.”
This strategy is much better in so many ways. It comes from a place of love and patience rather than from a place of pressure and desperation and it shows that you have his best interest at heart. Often, the husband will begin to wonder why you are backing off and, as the result, may become slightly more receptive. At this point, you have to allow for him to take the lead and indicate how he wants to proceed. In the meantime, you can conduct yourself with dignity, grace and respect. And always remember that your husband knows that people can and do say anything when the stakes are this high. So, they will often watch and wait over time. In the long run, it’s the actions and not the words that matter.
I can honestly tell you that when my husband cheated on me, there were days when I was certain that a divorce was imminent. In my own mind, this was a deal breaker for me and the very sight of him turned my stomach. But over a gradual amount of time, he hung in there with patience and kindness. He didn’t rush me. He wanted to help me. Over time, I came to learn that he was sincere and was truly sorry. This was not possible in the beginning, but in the months that followed, my feelings changed.
Sometimes, you have to let time work for you rather than against you and you have to show your spouse that you will do offer what they need from you if and when they need it. Beyond this, the rest is really up to them, but your actions can go a long way in influencing their decisions.