I have a bit of a gambling nature. This, combined with my inherent laziness, has previously led me down the “easy money” primrose path on many occasions. While some of these certain money-losing ventures (gambling, day-trading net stocks in 2000) were commonplace, the foolish efforts detailed below are particularly embarrassing. I will not count my attempt as a Wall Street summer associate to corner the local Whatchamacallit market, as that was more a test of the concept of demand elasticity (result: very elastic).<\/p>\n
Poor Idea #3. Advice from a Naval Officer 1-900 Number<\/b><\/p>\n
This, thankfully, never got off the ground, therefore it only merits the bottom spot here. The mid-90s were the heyday of the 1-900 number: if all these poor souls were foolish enough to send $2.99\/minute to Miss Cleo and other “psychics”, what would they pay to speak to a sentient, responsible adult that might be able to offer some actual thoughtful advice? I went as far through the motions as going to AT&T and getting the information on the 1-900 numbers and asking some colleagues if they were in for three hour shifts.<\/p>\n
Then somebody pointed out that there are likely liability concerns (if not the obvious moral considerations). Getting sued seemed while at sea would be a tremendous pain, and there was also the danger I’d throw in the towel early and be forced to change it to something more lucrative, like a chat line for furries. This brilliant idea faded fast as i realized i would be gone for half the year and this kind of operation couldn’t run itself.<\/p>\n
Poor Idea #2. How to Win at Blackjack Pamphlet<\/i><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
I have kept this pretty quiet for over a decade, I’m not sure anyone ever knew about this. First off, there was no pamphlet. I put an advertisement in the National Enquirer<\/i> offering said pamphlet for $5 to get a sense of the market. It turns out there was an equivalent number of foolish buyers as foolish sellers: one (a disabled kid from Iowa with a ratty $5 bill).<\/p>\n
This was stupid on several levels. One, I am without question one of the worst gamblers in the history of the casino industry. I get phone calls from casinos I have NEVER BEEN TO begging me to come play there. I was the one writing the pamphlet?? I did have a sweet Zenith desktop computer from 1990 (running what must have been Wordperfect 1.0 Beta) and I assumed I could just crank out the pamphlet (complete with winning “strategy”) if there was a lot of demand. I think I paid about $150 to place the 2 line ad in the “marketplace” section. My overwhelming assumption was that only stupid people read that magazine (full disclosure: it was in my house every week when growing up). I failed to also consider that the people who religiously read that rag are almost always flat broke.<\/p>\n
So i ended up with $5, which I sent it back to the poor kid. I should have kept it to teach him a lesson about life; just think how much more it would have cost him had I actually sent him my secret method to convert $500 into -$2500?<\/p>\n
Poor Idea #1. Sing & Snore Ernie Speculator<\/b><\/p>\n
You are probably not destined to be a great entrepreneur if you concoct the same make-a-quick-buck idea as Dwight Schrute. All these great ideas came to me in around 1997; this one thankfully worked it out of my system for good. Tickle Me Elmo was a phenomenon in 1996; people were paying like $1,500 for that fuzzy little guy. Despite not having a high-powered MBA at that time, it was still apparent to me that that was a nice margin on an item that retailed for $28.99. So no problem, right? Just figure out the hot item in 1997 and, boom, 5000% profit.<\/p>\n
So Tyco (Tyco Toys, not to be confused with Kozlowski’s amalgam of non-complementary businesses) was putting out another talking plush doll featuring the beloved Sesame Steet character Ernie! Of Bert and Ernie fame! That was a complete no-brainer, even for someone like me who was, uh, a little removed from the whole little kid scene. So I went to Toys-R-Us and bought every damn one they had (I think 20-25) about a month before Thanksgiving. First (and importantly), I confirmed their return policy, in case there were any (unlikely) complications. The policy was ironclad – you could return for any reason as long as they were still in the box.<\/p>\n
This plan was beyond fullproof. I remember playing golf with a buddy on Black Friday, watching CNN just before we teed off. Sure enough: S&S Ernie was the hit toy sensation of the holiday season, literally flying off the shelves. Fist fights were breaking out in stores and everything. I was so filled with smugness that when I sprayed my tee shot into a house off the first tee, I had little concern for potential broken windows. I was about to have a sweet $20k+ windfall!<\/p>\n
My roommate was concerned about people coming to our house to make the pickups. Apparently he had toy dolls confused with the Baltimore narcotics trade; generally people buying Sing & Snore Ernies aren’t strapped when they go to complete the transaction. I went to another friend’s apartment to check out this new computer auction thingee called “eBay.” The market looked surprisingly soft – people listing for only $300-$400 and it didn’t look like many were actually selling. Hmmm, since I didn’t have this new “internet” technology at home, eBay was out of the question. I would have to go the classified ad route.<\/p>\n
By nature, I am not a greedy person. This is evident in the many stock trades where I sell the moment I’m up $3 (after commissions, of course. Losers I will hold until my dying breath). So I decided to price these bad boys to sell: $100. The classified ad cost, I believe, $90. It was early December, time to move some Ernies. And the calls started flooding in. Well, I got one call (might’ve been the same kid who bought the Blackjack pamphlet). He wondered if the price was negotiable. Heck, no. Time to dig in and hold my ground.<\/p>\n
By mid-December I started getting a smidge nervous, as there were more ads for Sing & Snore Ernies than for Automobiles in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. It never occurred to me that all that initial demand may have been driven purely by greedy, children’s-Christmas-wishlist-depriving speculators like myself. Instead, i thought that maybe the market would turn. So I continued to hold my stash of Ernies.<\/p>\n
(I used this exact strategy in 2000 with net stocks, sometimes with the added twist of “averaging down.” I ended up with a margin call greater than my “equities” (CMGI, ICG, PUMA, etc) were worth. That’s always fun – please send us $3,000 to bring your balance up to zero. I probably need to publish an investing pamphlet as well)<\/p>\n
I have learned many lessons in life – some academic, some school of hard knocks, some wisdom passed down from the old sages in action movies. But probably the greatest lesson I have learned is this: if you’re returning two dozen toys you couldn’t sell to Toys-R-Us late on Christmas Eve, then you are an asshole. The absolutely venomous looks of contempt\/hatred you will earn from everyone who witnesses the despicable act will have you showering fully clothed in your bathroom like a rape victim on Lifetime.<\/p>\n
Thanks a ton, Ernie.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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