There are many questions that a wife must typically grapple with after finding out her husband has had an affair.  One of the more common things that I’m often asked about is “should I confront my husband’s mistress or the other woman?” There isn’t always an easy to answer to this question, but it helps to take a look at what you’re hoping to accomplish by meeting her face to face.  In the following article, I’ll go over some of the common reasons that wives want to confront the other woman, and why most times, confronting her doesn’t give you the answers or closure that you’re hoping for.  In fact, there is usually only one person who can provide this and it’s not her.  I’ll explain this more below.

What You’re Probably Hoping To Accomplish By Confronting The Mistress:  I completely understand the urge to see this woman eye to eye.  I felt this myself.  I used to follow “her” around, trying to gain some insight into what my husband had found so alluring about her.  There are many reasons that we want to look this woman in the eye. Here are some of the most common:

1.  you want to lash out at her and make her feel some of the hurt that you’re feeling;

2.  you want to threaten her and call her off of your husband;

3.  you want to see what she looks like, size her up, and try to determine just what he might see in her;

4.  you want to get her version of the story and compare her version with your husband’s to see if he’s still lying to you;

5.  you want to appeal to her sense of decency so that she’ll see that her actions are destroying a family;

6.  you want to let her know that you know about her actions and are going to be watching with an eagle eye.  You want for you to know that if the affair doesn’t stop once and for all you will tell her husband, her boss, or do something else to make her life miserable; and

7.  you hope that confronting her will make you feel better, will allow you to release some of your anger, and give you a sense of closure.

I’ve probably left a few things out, but these are the most common reasons that I hear (and also felt.)  However, I have to tell you that as valid as these reasons are, it’s so very rare that I see a confrontation with the mistress turn out to be a positive and healthy thing.

I get so many horror stories from women who try this and find out that it only makes them feel worse, only makes them have more doubts, and only makes them feel more negatively about the situation and about themselves. 

In order for this situation to turn out positively, what is required is that the mistress is a person of compassion, integrity, honesty, and intelligence.  By having an affair with a married men, she’s already proven that she doesn’t possess all of this qualities.  Here’s what typically happens instead.  She’ll usually be defensive, hurtful, and spiteful.  She’ll insinuate that the affair is all your husband’s fault and that he came after her.  She’ll want you to think that she has a strong hold over your husband and if the affair ends, it’s because it’s her that decides to end it.

She wants you to know that she holds all of the cards and is in a position of authority over you.  In truth, she wants you in a position of inferiority.  She wants you in a weakened state so that your husband sees her as more desirable by comparison.  She wants for their to be doubt in your mind and unhappiness in your heart.  She’s already shown herself to be a person who can not be trusted to be honest.  It’s highly unlikely that she is going to tell you the truth or that she can give you any legitimate insight.

And, if she acts receptive, compassionate, or open, she’s likely only doing so to ease her own conscience.  It’s highly likely that she’s going to run right back to your husband to recount the meeting and try to reign him in. Do you really want to give her one more reason to see him? Do you really want to allow her into your life, heart and mind any more than she already is? Do you really want to allow her that power over you?

The Best Person To Give You The Answers And The Closure That You Want: There is one person that you have history with who also has an account of the affair – your husband.  Yes, he has betrayed you too and proven himself untrustworthy.  But, he has a vested interest in fixing things – the mistress does not.  She wants for things to remain broken because it benefits her.

And, if you want to save your marriage, it is your husband that you should be interacting with, not her.  In truth, the best revenge on this woman is to keep her from getting what she really wants – your husband and your happiness.  Her best case scenario is for your marriage to end so that she no longer has the roadblock of your marriage.  Why play into her hand just for the momentary sensation of looking her in the eye?

Even if you don’t want to save the marriage, by confronting her, you’re really hoping to regain your self respect and a sense of control.  But guess what? You can give this to yourself.  You can do the necessary work to realize that you are the same loving, quality person of integrity that you were before your husband and this woman made this decision.  Nothing that they do can change who you are.