Falling in Love with Someone You Can’t Have

Getting over someone can sometimes appear to be impossible. It feels really bad when you fall in love with someone you can’t have. It feels even worse when you are sure that this relationship can never work out. I think that this is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. I believe that to forget someone is one of the hardest “assignments” given in life, especially if you had this gut feeling that he/she is the ONE. Therefore all of these thoughts crossing my mind drove me deeply into the psychology of what is called falling wrongly into love.

Warning

After this writing has been read, hopefully your way of thinking will be permanently modified, those breakups that kept you depressed for years, won’t take few weeks or even days before you forget all about them. Getting over someone you love will be a matter of weeks if not days.

If you think that pain is an essential part of love, if you think that lovers should suffer then stop reading. However, if you believe that exaggerated attachment is something that hinders you from living a happy life and if you believe that this pain is unnecessary then keep reading. Breakups won’t hurt like they used to, you wont label anybody as the one from now on and recovery is going to take place much faster.

How to get over someone you love

Since I am not a magician, I can’t say that a simple writing will do the job, and this pain won’t disappear in a blink of an eye, but remember, reading this will make you feel as you are a step closer to the reward- “getting rid of this pain that unfortunately could last for years.

Read this writing carefully, you don’t have to do it in one day, just make sure you give yourself the time to understand it.

Figuring out how to get over someone you love can be one of the most difficult things that any of us will ever have to do. The pain of loss can be very intense and finding the answers can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. You need to know that it will take a lot of time and some days will be harder than others. If you have been with someone for a long period of time, their absence can make you feel like a part of you is missing, like you just had your heart ripped right out of your chest. But once you discover how to get over someone you love, the pain in your heart will lessen and you sill start feeling more like your old self again.

Sometimes I wish I could just smack the idiot that came up with the phrase "Time heals all wounds". Actually, the person that said that, is right. You may not want to hear this but, time is the exact remedy needed for this wound. That being said, it does not mean that you have to like it. I know that I never did. There are ways for you to take an active approach in helping time heal you a little faster though.

Start by ditching the photos. You do not need the constant visual reminder of happy times spent with that person drawing your attention at every turn. Throw away or put in storage any of their belongings that they have left behind. You may also want to consider trying to stay away from some of the places that the two of you used to hang out at. You will never find out how to get over someone you love if you are constantly running into them.

Don’t be afraid to use your friends as a sounding board. In most cases they have been through a painful break up too. Spend as much time with them as you can. When you are having a good time with friends, your mind will be occupied and you will not be thinking about that person so much. Just because you are trying to figure out how to get over someone you love does not mean that you should stop living your life. I know that this can be a very trying time in your life. Losing someone you love is never easy. But there is one thing that you may not have considered. Is it really and truly over between you and your “loving person”? If you really do love them it may be possible for you to get your “loving person” back. You can lose  the love of your life due to both of :being foolish, stubborn, and too proud to admit that you are really in love and needed . Of course, you are the only one that can decide if the love you have is worth saving. If there is even a possibility that you can save your relationship, you really need to give it a try.

A Painful Process

To get over someone you love you have to realize that there are no easy answers. No matter how ready you think you are, the fact that you are asking yourself how to get over someone you love, means that it is going to be a painful process. It can be a slow process… You might think you are over someone and a year later being reminded of that person and feel sad again. That does not mean that you’re not overcome the loving person.

If you are emotionally invested in a “supposed” relationship and it ends, it could make you feel sad for years. Maybe even for the rest of your life. But that does not mean the sadness has to make you feel depressed. You can get over your loss and still know that it made you sad. It’s the period of time soon after the loss that will be the hardest to get passed. This is the period where you ask yourself “how to get over someone you love and she does not love you back”.

Removing Reminders

If the break up is a fresh one usually the only way to get over the pain is to face it straight out and let time pass. It is going to hurt, no matter what you do. But there are some things you can do to lessen the pain. Start with removing noticeable visual reminders of the person if possible. Pictures of them can be put away for now. Gifts they gave you can also be put away for now. Avoiding the places you used to go together is a good idea as well. This tip can be found in lists everywhere on how to get over a lost love so it is at least a popular idea that is worth trying.

Living Life after the Breakup

If you are having difficulty living your life after the breakup, it might be a good idea to seek counseling. Simply let the counselor know that you just went through a break up and ask the counselor how to get over someone you love. They can offer you better advice than a generic list about how to get over someone you love. They can also offer better advice than family and friends.

Friends and Family

Your friends and family may feel they know your situation too well. Some of them may even have motives to help you get over the person who does not love you back. They might have not liked the person so they want you to get over them quickly and move on to someone else. With a counselor you can privately tell them things you would not want your friends and family to know.

If you seek out counseling you should continue to see them for as long as you need to. If the counselor feels like you are dwelling on the breakup longer than you need to, they will let you know.

Practical Advices

Here are several advices:

• Ask yourself what might be in his/her head or his/her heart; it takes two people to be in a relationship and even though you feel the way that you do, maybe it was meant to be this way. Save your love for someone who feels the same way about you!

• In my case, I know I fell in love in a person I should consider my best friend, this way I broke my sacred oath. I ask myself “Is she worth my love;  Is she too young to realize what she’s doing to me.  I guess that’s that."

• It’s not about getting over a loving person; it’s about feeling good about you. It’s about knowing that you are the most important and you need to be happy. If this other person doesn’t feel the same way, it doesn’t really matter.

• This situation is always an unfortunate one. It is ideal for 2 people to love each other the same, and at the same pace, but life is never ideal. To get this kind of relationship to work, you need patience! You have to weigh either waiting for her or moving on as options. If your feelings are real, and you choose to hang in there, you must not scare her away with your feelings! If things are meant to work out, you should be great friends before lovers anyway. While you let both your feelings reach equilibrium, you’ll find it becomes easier sometimes just to ignore your strong feelings for her and just kick-back and chill with her. It’s not always important to impress her, or do nice things for her in a loving way. It may give you hope to know that she can see you in the same light, just not so quickly.

• Tough circumstance – being in love with someone who does not feel the same way as you do. It’s not a problem – you can fix those, this is almost like "it’s raining outside" – just have to deal. Objective advice: If someone doesn’t feel the same way as you do – walk off. Don’t even give them the privilege of friendship because you’ll suck yourself back into the delusion. Do things for yourself, keep busy, bury yourself in work and keep searching for what you really want and need. Don’t do what I have done.

• Firstly, love is a peculiar thing. There is an almost ludicrous asymmetry between two people. The person at the top of your best friend list may rank you only at the middle of his or her list. However, if you truly, truly loved someone, then you’d be able to realize that it’s OK if they don’t love you back. True love gives and expects nothing in return; a true unrequited love. So, I’ve moved on from my perfect potential companion. She gave me the strength to realize that I can move on. She gave me the courage to try something different. She gave me the wisdom and sense for me to also respect myself. So, if you truly loved them, it doesn’t matter if they feel the same way, your love conquers all.

• It is strange when you’re hurt from rejection, to hear someone say: move on things will be fine. No matter how much you love her, she never loves you back. For all those wondering what went wrong, I can say one thing, just stop wondering say it really aloud "SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". Only when one stops chasing and pursing someone who doesn’t love you, will you open the door to that perfect person who will love you back with the same intensity that you will love him.

• If you believe in destiny then you have know that things happen when they are meant to be. People part for reasons beyond human comprehension but the reality remains if you are meant to love each other and be with each other, it will happen. That’s the power of destiny. Love always wins. Love is important and only it counts.

• The older I get, the more I believe that some people are full of the capacity to love – like me – and others are incapable of it in the romantic sense, for whatever reason. Fear of commitment. A distorted view of freedom. The desire to stay young forever? A deep unwillingness to give themselves over to another (selfish)? It is an absolute rock and a hard place. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the most impossible situation imaginable, especially when the love is so strong and you are a slave to it.

• For those of you whose situation is similar, this is what I suggest: Deal with reality. Stop hoping, dreaming, etc. Pray and tell God that you forgive them for not being able to love you. Ask God to take this from you – and He will. Then continue to deal with reality. Don’t tell yourself; maybe someday… they’ll change… True love accepts the person for who they are, even when they are evil and they don’t love you. It means accepting reality. When you love and accept reality at the same time, you are forced to move on. When you deal with reality and move on without love, you take bitterness with you. When you love without dealing with reality, you hurt yourself. Love the other person, accept the reality and pray to God for the wisdom and strength you’ll need to do that continuously until it ceases to become a problem.

• Try not to be in contact because it’s almost like an addiction. You think that one little text will do no harm but the pain when she doesn’t reply will just make things worse. That would be my advice.

• There is one more thing I can recommend. There are times when you feel very weak and feel you need to talk to that other loving person even though they may just hurt you again, you don’t know why you want to talk to them, and you just do it. I’ve been able to get by these weak moments by writing down exactly what I’m feeling at the time, it comes out in a jumble of feelings and thoughts, some not so pleasant, but in the end it actually helps and I don’t feel to call the person anymore. For everyone out there, keep strong and keep your head up, there are better days ahead.

• Tough one. If we know for a fact there is no hope for a mutual love, then why torture ourselves. Move on. Treat it like a divorce. FORCE yourself to live and keep meeting people. You owe it to yourself to be available for when the right person does come along. Love is like a bus stop, there’s always going to be another opportunity for the bus to stop again — if we are ready for it at the bus stop. Sometimes we don’t ever think we could possibly find someone better than that one we are in love with, that doesn’t return the love back, but that’s not true. We just won’t be ready to find it if we are pining for a love that is not healthy or returned. We owe it to ourselves to always know we deserve what’s best and healthy. Stop being around that person, if possible. If you can’t, then think in your mind about how wonderful it would be to actually find someone special that returns your love. Tell yourself that you deserve it. We can’t control love no matter how hard we try. It’s just one of those things, but we can choose to love again. Work out, write your thoughts on paper and then shred it but sometimes it helps to get your thoughts out of you, in writing. It’s like a release or venting. Then rip it into shreds and flush it or shred it so it can’t be found to possibly humiliate you later.

• Staying busy can help a lot, but late at night, driving down the road, or at times when we can think are hard so blast some music, turn the TV up, read a book, watch a movie, take a night class, spend more time with friends, join an email group with those who share an interest… Whatever you do, do things to force your mind not to be hurting for that other person. Don’t ask yourself why you were not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, etc. Don’t beat yourself up over something that didn’t work out. If you made mistakes and were responsible for killing it. Painful as it is, learn from those mistakes. Don’t make them again. We all have had heartaches that hurt bad! A broken heart is never fun. As the famous lyrics of QUEEN say The Show Must Go on, meaning Life goes on. We have to as well. We owe it to ourselves to know we simply go on. We will meet another person but we shouldn’t while we are hurting. We’ll often end up not being as clear headed. We want someone to love us and to feel wanted, but that’s a potential for another mess. Or, you could end up hurting someone the way you were hurt. When your heart is mended, you’ll know. Every single day we get just a tiny bit better. Ok, maybe not every day, but if we can just make it from one day to the next and keep doing it, pretty soon we will feel better, if only a little, but that’s a start to a total healing.

• Time. Letting your own grieve and actually being ok with that. Not forcing ourselves to get over someone. Allow your own to feel the hurt, cry, write about it, and listen to sad songs. Soon you will feel so tired from hurting all of the time. You will be ready to move forward. Doing this without contact of the person you love is best. Anyone that will still see you, sleep with you, and spend time with you, knowing they don’t love you, and knowing how you feel, is selfish. Everyone deserves more than that. You can’t force love out of your heart so don’t try, that just hurts worse and you end up lying to yourself. You are human for loving, but you have to love yourself more. I do agree with comments on staying busy, friends and family also help. Casual dating can backfire however, because if the dates don’t go well, it will just make you miss the person you love even more. Pray, and remember the good times but learn from the bad. Don’t you want, one day, to be truly happy? Life is too short to give up the chance of true love for ourselves. Go out into the world and continue to be the wonderful person that you are. Someone will see this, and love you just as much as you are capable of loving.

• You accept yourself as you are, love yourself for who you are, forgive yourself for decisions and actions that have brought you pain, never settle for anything less then what you desire and deserve. Love is all about timing, make yourself the best person you can be both mentally and physically and do it for you, no one else. Once you do that, you will no longer waste your time on women who do not see you for who you are. You will see yourself as a beautiful woman that has so much to offer the right man. But to be able to get over lost love you have to be able to forgive yourself, whether it was your fault or not. You also must make a conscious effort to get her out of your life. Keeping her as a friend will bring only more pain, this is from experience. Let her go, delete her name off your cell phone off your email, put the pictures away. It is your choice to be miserable about the situation, which for the first few months everyone chooses to be sad. But you can also make the choice to be happy, but only YOU can do that. You have one life, why sit there and waste it on a person who can’t see all facets of your beauty. Be happy, love yourself, forgive yourself and you will see that that love will radiate and women will be attracted to that. Good women will be attracted to your positive self worth. And that positive self worth gets rid of all the baggage from past relationships that ruin current ones. But this is a choice, a conscious choice to leave the past and be happy and only you can make it. Know one thing,  it won’t be easy, but in the end you will have the love you have always desired.

• All you can do is take it a day at a time and pray for strength.

• You have to decide that there is now another step to climb in your life. There will always be happiness around the corner, everyone finds it. Happiness WILL come and find you, keep smiling.

• Time is the key. When you love someone you must know when it is time to let go. As hard as this may sound, strength, courage and knowledge are gathered from a broken heart. Is there any one who can promise you that love can last forever, or that it wouldn’t, or is it just a chance? Life is a chance. Pray, not only for you, but for that person as well. Never let bad feelings or experience change the person you are. No one wants a wounded bird, so understand that you need time to heal internally. There is no set time on when this will happen, but just let it take its course. When the time is right, and you feel like you are ready to love again, don’t look for it, let it find you. Keep God first, and never question his work. We will never know what woman has in store, and who is to say that you two won’t love again, when the time is right, or maybe you both have matured. Life is short, so enjoy and savor your breath. Your battle is not lost; you are just beginning to live. God will keep you strong.

• This is not an easy question, and the answer is complex. I have several substrate beliefs that will take me where I am going to go. First, how you feel or don’t feel about another says much about you. How they respond, says something about them. Think about that deeply. You may or may not know all of your reasons for feeling the way you do about that person. I suspect you may not have the whole story about them. Consider yourself for a moment. Is the first person of this personality type you have loved or is this a pattern? If it is a pattern, are you getting yourself involved with unavailable individuals? If so, you may need to look deeply at your motivation in choosing that type of person and why you are attracted to them. Now, let’s look at them. That person may not trust you again. If you have not done anything of that sort, and you are blaming your self for something minor like "saying was instead of were." Then, you need to access if that person has some deeper issue that may not have anything to do with you directly. If they have issues, it is best to let them have the space to address them. It may take years. There is a song which has the lyric, "I can’t make you love me, if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t." You can give of yourself and offer your love and support. If that person does not, can not, or will not love you back, then there is nothing you can do about it. That is their choice. And you really do not want them unless they truly loved you in return, right? Now, do not think ill of that person. The care that person has for you may be all they have to give and they are just being honest. Now back to you. I am of the belief that "Love Never Fails." I believe that once you love someone it does not die. But I believe that love is about giving and not getting. You must give them their request. That is in many ways a great gift of love, a gift of respect. You will have to go on. Time will heal you wounds. Allow yourself to sorrow and feel the pain now for the time of grief will pass. You will learn to live with the loss. You will always love that person, but that does not mean you will not love again!

• You have no choice but to get over this person. You must let them go and you have to move on. What you need to realize is that you can and will love some one again and they will love you in return. Life is a risk and it has to be that way otherwise there would be no adventure to it. Also to know love, you also need to know pain. The passage of time will help to heal your wounds, but it won’t completely erase them. Your life is a journey that will be difficult at times, but stay on the path because you never know what is just around the corner. Remember that you control your own mind and it’s your own choice if you want to keep thinking about the past or look to the future. Don’t worry about making mistakes; it’s the only way you can learn. Also true love involves a lot of hard work, nobody is perfect. I wish you good luck and lots of love, peace and happiness.

• The answer is that there is no remedy or procedure to get over someone completely. It is not as simple as performing a few tasks or reading a certain book. From my experience only time will assist you in getting over a love in your life. Now the trick is this person must me completely out of your life to completely get over him or her. If this person remains in your life then time will never start the healing process. It took me exactly one year to get over someone I loved very much. It can be done, and in life this process can happen more than once, so learn from the mistakes you make in one relationship and apply them to the next.

• Surround yourself in mates, journals, journals and journals and something really important; at least for a while, ALLOW yourself to be depressed, its inevitable your going to be! So fighting it just gets you mad and frustrated. Music helps A LOT.

• The main advice I can give, which isn’t much at this stage, is FOCUS. That’s what you need.
• What’s a life without a dream to hold on?  From what I have learned from the most recent experience is that all you can do is learn how to live without them. That doesn’t mean to forget them. If you truly love them you would want them to be happy even if it was not with you.

• "You never stop loving someone; you just learn to live without them."

• Free your mind from worries. Live simple. Give more. Expect less.                                                                                                        (Author: Armin Bushati)

Explanatory note: This writing is an author’s personal most recent experience…

 

APRIL 2009