Okay. This is an article for the blokes out there. If you want to keep out of the doghouse this Valentine’s Day, then read on. You do know February 14th is just around the corner, right? Nope. Didn’t think so!

NEWS FLASH: Valentine’s Day is an important occasion for your lady, whether she’s your wifey or girlfriend. It’s the day of love, a time you can show your bonny babe just how you feel. A day on which you can leave behind your macho persona and reveal your sensitive side, (but not too much… too soppy is a bit scary).

Now’s your chance to show your lovely lady you think she’s gorgeous, sexy and that you adore her. So without further ado, here’s this year’s worst Valentines gifts for her…

5. Trinkets from the Pound Shop. Valentines Day gifts for her don’t need to cost the earth. She’s not expecting – unless she’s J Lo or Victoria Beckham – expensive diamonds or a brand new Ferrari. But do yourself (and her) a favour. If you’re on a budget, use your imagination, just a little bit. Smiley face.

4. Video Games. Okay, so you might like immersing yourself in front of the Xbox or Wii. But really, guys, this Valentines gift for her, if you can even call it that, isn’t romantic. Let’s face it: it’s a gift for you, not her. Ladies aren’t interested obliterating people in Call of Duty or perfecting their Metallica Guitar Hero riffs.

3. Gym Membership. Dear oh dear. So what’s your motive here, exactly? Is this really a Valentines Day gift for her? Or is it your way of saying: “Darling, you’re looking a bit flabby. Get down the gym.” It’s a bit of a turn-off.

2. Joke Gifts. Let’s get one thing straight. Fart cushions, fake poos or Sudoku-patterned bog rolls do not amuse women. Especially on Valentine’s Day. You’re better of giving gifts like these to your pub buddies.

1. Weight Loss Pills. Would you really do that? Repeat the mantra: These do not, on any account, make good Valentines gifts ideas for her – or anyone for that matter! What you’re actually saying is that you think she’s fat.

Aside from these five ‘orrible gift ideas, another truly terrible pressie would be to get your special lady absolutely nothing at all. I don’t think this needs much elaboration.

So, hey presto. There you have it guys. Okay, so maybe I’m being a tad sarcastic. I know you wouldn’t really consider getting your beloved wife or girlfriend anything on this list… Right?!