Everywhere you look from now to February 14th, the web is full of gooey, sticky, icky sweet Valentine’s poems, gifts, cards and more. What about those of us who can only express our emotions through sarcasm and cynicism? Are we doomed to send Be Mine heart candy and chocolate roses till the day we die? Must we send cutesy flash animated Ecards with buzzing bees and cuddly bears that no-one really enjoys anyway? No. There is another way. Here are 9 and a half ideas to fill the entire day that will make this year’s Valentines Day unique, original and not so serious.

1. Dedicate a song on your local radio channel. But as Simon Cowell says – it’s all about song choice. Picks like “I Touch Myself,” “I like Big Butts,” Chuck Berry’s “My Ding-a-ling” or Barenaked Ladies “If I had a Million Dollars” – any of those will do just fine. Just make sure your valentine is listening.

2. Start the day off by sending one of those personalized e-cards that let you stick the face of you and/or your partner into a funny Valentines Day picture. MeCards.com is a free one with a good Valentine’s Day selection. There’s also MushyGushy.com, SmileBox.com and FaceDub.com. Other funny ecards sites (but without the photo personalization) are SomeEcards.com and WrongCards.com

3. Play a Valentine’s Day practical joke. Buy a box of chocolates and then take a bite out of every piece. Rewrap it and when your partner opens it, act as surprised and shocked as he/she is. For more practical joke ideas, check out Funnypracticaljokes.com

4. Give an original gift. There are plenty of funny original gift ideas at sites like BaronBob.com or BoldLoft.com. There you can find unique couple pillowcases, coffee mugs and other dullness killers. There are also two person t-shirts (yes, you actually wear one t-shirt together), fundies (two person underwear) and HandHuggers that let you hold hands in one pair of mittens, by of course, Smitten Mittens.

5. So once the cards are sent and the gifts are given, what are you actually going to do together on the big day? Dinner and a movie? Eh eh. Why not try…naked finger painting? Picture his and her butt prints framed and hanging in your hallway. Tell guests who stop to admire your abstract pieces that they are original “Monage’s” or “Heisenhoff’s” and you spent a fortune having them delivered from Berlin. OK – if you must go for something traditional, but still funny, you can always hit a comedy club. Just make sure to order your tickets in advance.

6. For those who like to get even more creative, here are some things you can actually prepare yourself. First on the list, is one of those coupon books. You’ve seen them before – “the bearer of this coupon is entitled to one sensual massage,” etc etc. You can decorate them as you like, and get as racy as you dare. Just make sure that all coupons expire that night in the really fine print so you don’t regret anything a year down the road.

7. Next, why not get a little jiggy with it? Prepare a strip tease in your living room. Picture that kid in American Pie riding the shirt between his legs cowboy style. Set up the video camera and you’re in for some future laughs as well.

8. Make a treasure hunt. You’ll need to prepare a series of clues that your partner must solve in order to discover a location where the next clue is hidden. This continues until the last location where you hide the prize, which can be your gift or just good ole you with a big “ta-dah!” Clues should be personal and humorous like – “Where did we not make hours of beautiful sweet love in the last 2 weeks due to too much housework, long work hours, sick kids, a migraine, and general over-tiredness?”

9. The last preparation idea is a home-cooked meal. But not your average food – prepare funny love foods. For inspiration, check out these sexy veggies on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw25XzZsJ7c.

9 1/2. Watch a sexy movie together like 9 1/2 weeks. I know it’s not funny, but it’s a great idea and a great movie starring Mickey Rourke before his face got all weird. Because of this idea, I could not title this article “10 Funny Ideas for Valentine’s Day 2010” as I originally intended, but it’s a good idea nonetheless and works well with ideas #7 and #9.

Well, that’s it folks! Have a funny, sexy Valentine’s Day!