The Science of Destroying a Zombie

Kill the Bokor

This is a more "real world" example, as Haiti bokor’s have been "creating" zombies for the last century. They make a "potion" with many different poisons. The most popular poison in the cocktail is the poison extracted from puffer fish. This mixture, which slows the host’s vital functions down to almost minimal, is then given doses of alkaloids. Alkaloids leave the host with no memory and subject to mind control; however, the host can still perform basic, daily tasks on their own. Creepy, right? These zombies need to be continuously fed the poison and alkaloids to keep the host in the trancelike state. So if the bokor isn’t their to administer the chemicals, the host will generally snap out of this trance, most likely with long-term side effects (such as brain damage). This is the only instance where destroying the brain is not recommend, unless you are being attacked. These sub-zombies can be saved.

Mulching/Crushing

Not the most efficient way, but effective if done right. A lawn mower could be one source of destruction. A riding lawn mower (seen in the quasi-zombie flick The Happening), would not be the smartest thing to do; however, an extra 100 points will be awarded for whoever has the biggest cojones to attempt and pull off this maneuver. A push lawn mower (seen in Cannibal Holocaust) would be a much more effective way, but only recommended if you are cornered in a small area, such as a garage, with no other tools at your disposal. Popular “crushing” techniques would be more effective, but hardly a guarantee to end a zombie, unless traveling at high speeds. With a zombie’s lack of coordination and skill, a steam roller would be very useful. Again, it would not be the smartest thing to do. The most effective and most convenient way would be to run them over. A sedan or truck would be the car of choice. At moderate speeds, it may not end, but at least disable the zombie and hinder their mobility. This could not only save your life, but others’ lives as well. For high speed, and potential annihilation of a zombie corpse, a semi-truck or RV would be the ultimate in stopping power. Just remember, you must destroy the brain.

Burn the Body

First and foremost: if time permits, please cremate each zombie you kill. This guarantees the undead will never walk again. A very effective way to defeat mobs of zombies, all at once, would be to ignite one of the groups on fire. Zombies, not surprisingly, are very flammable. Whether it is the natural body deterioration process or if the cause of the zombie-ism creates a flammable substance throughout their bodies, most likely the undead will go up in flames with very little effort or use of your stamina. This plan could easily backfire though, so tread with caution. No one wants a flaming zombie falling on top of you, attempting to eat your flesh, while engulfing you in flames as they do it. A decent-length torch, around 3 – 4 feet, would be ideal. Just remember, with flames, to attack and then run. Imagine being on top of a high, cement object, and just dropping flames on the zombies below. Fire could easily become your key to survival. Just remember, the flame must destroy the brain.

Sever the Head

Probably the most convenient, and one of the best, ways to end a zombie: sever the head. Whether it be a katana, a sword, axe, scythe, chainsaw, chopper blades, or any other make-shift lopping device, severing the head is the smartest, close-quarters attack. This method is self-explanatory, as it involves item "A", the cutting tool, swinging in a horizontal manner, and item "B", the zombie’s head, hitting the floor. Please be prepared though, as this method goes hand in hand with correct clothing materials. Shave your head so the undead cannot grab your hair. Wear tight clothes; the undead can latch onto baggy clothes and attack. Wear a tight, heavy jacket made of thick canvas or leather, to stop zombie bites. And when you are severing the head, remember to destroy the brain as well.

Destroy the Brain.

Not only is it the most obvious, but the most crucial method. A zombie, not using any vital organs (and being controlled only via its brain), will continuously thrive until either the cerebellum or the brain stem has been destroyed. This is the only known way to end a zombie instantaneously. This is when your new best friend, the .22 caliber firearm, can come in handy. It has enough pressure to enter the skull, but not enough pressure to exit; this will cause a “pinball” effect within the skull. The average Joe likely has either a .22 or a 12-gauge readily available, so locating one shouldn’t be a problem. It is also highly recommend you burn the body post re-mortem.

Happy Zombie Hunting!

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