Peter Parker is NOT on this list because he is a LITERAL CHILD.


Star-Lord/Peter Quill

Star-Lord/Peter Quill

Peter Quill would have his fun and then fall asleep. He doesn't care about you at all. Just sayin'.

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Drax

Drax

Do you really want to jump into bed with a guy who takes everything literally? I sure don't. He's literally “The Destroyer.” No thanks!

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Hulk/Bruce Banner

Hulk/Bruce Banner

Bruce Banner probably wouldn't be terrible in bed, but Hulk? Yeah, no. Good luck with that. Plus, Bruce would be constantly worrying about Hulking out, and wouldn't you be a little worried too?

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Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff

Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff

This dude's whole thing is that he's really ~fast~ — do I really need to elaborate?

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War Machine/James Rhodes

War Machine/James Rhodes

Honestly? He's really attractive but do you ever, like, think about War Machine? He's just kinda there. He'd probably be a great husband, though!

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Ant-Man/Scott Lang

Ant-Man/Scott Lang

He's a grower, not a shower, but let's face it — he'd be totally ordinary in bed.

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Nick Fury

Nick Fury

Nick Fury has been married to his job his entire life. He's definitely got moves, but he's not sticking around to cuddle after.

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The Grandmaster

The Grandmaster

Real talk — this dude is kinky AF, but not at all GGG. So.

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Falcon/Sam Wilson

Falcon/Sam Wilson

Sam Wilson is total boyfriend material and he'd be a generous lover, but… ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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Vision

Vision

He's somehow both soulful and mechanical, and he'd be ruthlessly efficient in bed. But it'd kinda be like being with a sentient vibrator who was also a clingy boyfriend.

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Hawkeye/Clint Barton

Hawkeye/Clint Barton

His wife seems real happy.

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Captain America/Steve Rogers

Captain America/Steve Rogers

There is no denying that Steve Rogers is objectively a perfect human specimen. However, it took him like four movies to even KISS a girl. Also, let's face it, you can never compete with Peggy (or Bucky).

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Doctor Strange/Doctor Stephen Strange

Doctor Strange/Doctor Stephen Strange

Everything about this guy SCREAMS “fuckboy,” but like, not in a totally bad way? He knows what he's doing and he's good with his fingers, which counts for a lot.

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Loki

Loki

You KNOW this guy is trash, and yet. And yet! He could talk you into anything and you would enjoy it. Thoroughly. Unf.

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Black Panther/T’Challa

Black Panther/T'Challa

YOOOOOOOOOOOO, this dude is smooth and romantic, like a Boyz II Men slow jam. He'll make love to you like you want him to, and make you feel like a true queen. Wakanda forever.

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Winter Soldier/James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes

Winter Soldier/James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes

LOOK AT THIS GUY. LOOK AT HIS MOUTH. LOOK. HE HAS SO MUCH PAIN IN HIS SOUL. BEAUTIFUL, SEXY PAIN. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP HIM. ONLY YOU. HE HAS SO MANY INTENSE FEELINGS AND AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE FEELINGS IS “HORNY.”

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Killmonger/Erik Stevens (N’Jadaka)

Killmonger/Erik Stevens (N'Jadaka)

Hello. Hi. Look at this man. Just…look at him. He's intense, he's driven, he's passionate. He's good at everything. He would be so focused on winning, and in this case “winning” means…well, you get the idea.

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Iron Man/Tony Stark

Iron Man/Tony Stark

Let me break this down for you:
1) Tony Stark is extremely experienced. He knows what's up.
2) He has an ego based entirely upon his desire for unimpeachable excellence. He would absolutely make sure you spent the next decade bragging about how good he was in bed.
3) If for some reason you weren't satisfied, he would create a DEVICE just for your pleasure. And it would WORK. REALLY WELL.
4) The whole experience would be fun, surprisingly emotional, and glamorous.

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Thor

Thor

Full disclosure — I didn't actually want to make Thor #1 on this list, but facts are facts. Objectively, Thor is gonna be the best in bed. He's 10,000 years old. He's done everything. He knows how to party, and he'd be there in the morning to make you breakfast. And he's the GOD OF THUNDER. Hammer or no, this guy can bring it.

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