When grief came knocking at my door the prospect of living after such a profound loss was totally impossible…… then The pain and anguish I felt at the death of my son had assaulted me, completely and utterly, leaving me a shell of my former self and incapable of anything very much at all. I was a living, breathing mess.

In those first few months of grieving, I didn’t even want to go on living. Not because I wanted to die, as such, but because I wanted to get away from the terrible pain that sat in my heart and be with my son again. Death had brought a halt to my living, simple as that. The notion that there was the possibility of more than just surviving was impossible and unthinkable – it was way beyond what I thought would, or could ever happen in my life.

But what I discovered is that I had a little help. I didn’t recognise them as such then, but now I realise they became prompts for me and essentially became motivational – they got me going again because I had to.

My key motivators were:

1. My dog (Jessie) who needed walking, feeding and loving

2. My surviving children who were hurting too

3. My bank balance which was dwindling each day

4. My love for my son

I had to get out of bed each day to let my dog out and feed her. I had to go back to work so I could keep paying my mortgage. I had to find my way in life again because I had a family who loved me, and were worried about me, including. I thought, my spirit son. Even in death a mother worries. I thought, “How distressing it must be for him to see me grieving and hurting so.” My love was growing, more and more, through my loss and that thought inspired me to move beyond the pain of grief and start moving.

I became fluid again, started healing and decided to begin to live after my loss in a way that was meaningful for me. I took the time to consider where I wanted this life of mine to go and what it was to be. Somehow grief had blown into my life and stripped everything bare. I could start afresh and rewrite my life anew. The devastation of loss had also brought laser focus onto the finer details of my living. I knew now what really mattered. I was opened up to possibility and liberated from the stifling conventions of trivialities and nonsense.

I can now say that I am living after loss in ways that I never imagined, and it all started with those few simple motivators, which allowed me to begin the process of healing my grief and my heart.