One of the problems of trying to connect with people online is getting their attention. There is a lot of competition out there and Cougars are selective. They know what they want, which also means they know what they don’t want. If older men are no longer inspiring, then don’t fall in their footsteps. Cougars are looking for fun, excitement and someone who reflects that in his profile will get responses.

When I read the profiles here and on other dating sites, I start feeling like I am watching repetitive scenes from the movie Ground Hog Day; you know…the one with Bill Murray where every morning when he wakes up the day is exactly like the day before.

Every profile starts to look and sound the same. They all blur into each other. I read. I click to the next. I read. I click to the next. If there is nothing in the very first line that grabs me, I click DELETE and go to the next.

Did you read what I just said? IF THERE IS NOTHING IN THE VERY FIRST LINE THAT GETS A WOMAN’S ATTENTION, SHE WILL CLICK DELETE.

People are busy. We only have so much time to do so many things in any given day. If you are not having any luck getting responses from your online profile, then take some helpful tips and do a profile makeover. What have you got to lose? Oh, yeah… another lonely Saturday night…

Here we go:

1) Read a ton of profiles for both men and women.
Notice which ones grab your attention and why. Make some notes. Take a close look at the very first line. That is your “signature” line that tells people why they should bother to read the rest of your profile. When you read women’s profiles, you start to understand what they are looking for and what kind of language they speak.

2) Do not put yourself down.
Don’t say,”Well, I’m just me,” or “Wow. I never know what to write on these things,” or “Ask me if you want to know more.” It makes you look wishy washy, lame and like you have a lot of insecurity issues. It also makes you look like you don’t know who you are. If you don’t know who you are, why should anyone be interested? If you are online, you are already in a public venue. So don’t hide who you are and then expect someone to “recognize” how special you are by some magical telepathy and hit you up to know more.

Instead, write something that plays to a personal strength you have. “Dashing young dude with a penchant for sweeping you off your feet and onto the dance floor seeks fun loving, leading lady to star in everlasting relationship.”

Get my drift? Sparkle! Shine! Excite us! Give us the ‘wow’ factor!

3) Don’t make cliche’ statements.
Don’t start your profile with “I am…” statements. “I am beautiful, sexy, compassionate, honest, intelligent…” yeah, yeah…everybody says that. Did you ever read a profile that said, “I’m a loser, drug addict, unemployed bum sleeping on my mother’s sofa?”

Tell us something about you that makes you different from everyone else. “One of my passions is animal rescue and this summer our group is hosting the Basset Hound Olympics to raise money for their veterinary care.” Gee, doesn’t that tell someone how compassionate you are and how you like doing charity work? Be specific. Actions speak louder than words.

Avoid “I like to work hard and play hard,” or “I am as comfortable in a dress as I am in jeans and a T-shirt.” How many times do you see those statements? “I enjoy fine dining.” (Who doesn’t?) “I am independent.” (And that means…?) and for God’s sake aren’t we all sick of “I like to take long walks on the beach” and that nauseating term,”with that special someone.” (Pardon me while I skeeve.)

4) Be compelling
Take a stand. State an opinion. This way you will look defined as a person to someone and will attract people who share your same views and interests. “My idea of a great first date is microwaving crayons into shapes of famous historical figures and then discussing socialism over a fine glass of port,” is more definitive than “I like to do silly things and discuss events of the day.”

People like to meet people who know who they are. It shows you have something to bring to the table and that you can hold up your end of the date or relationship.

5) Post a good, clear picture of yourself.
Smile. Don’t post a serious shot because you think it makes you look cool. It makes us wonder if you just got out of prison. Don’t wear sunglasses. Don’t try to look or act cool. Look friendly, happy, approachable and fun! Don’t flash gang signs or peace signs or flip the bird. Leave your penis in your pants. We’ve seen them before and they ain’t all that and a bag of chips.

Put up several photos, especially of you doing fun things that we might enjoy doing with you. Do not put up a pic with you and your ex. Do not put up a pic with you and half of your ex cut out of the pic. Ladies, believe it or not, not every man likes to see us with our dogs. *sigh* So include a pic of you and Bonster, but put some other pics in as well. If a guy is not a pet owner or loves his 23 cats, he will probably pass on you and fido.

6) Your screen name says a lot about who you are and what you are looking for.
If your screen name is “Young and Hung” or “Licking My Eyebrows” we know you are looking for booty calls and not a serious contender for anything beyond a one night stand and you probably expect us to drive to you and pick up a pizza on the way over. We also know you probably have a different girl every night, a few diseases brewing and an axe in the hall closet. DELETE.

7) Be sincere and be honest in who you are and what you are looking for.
Be honest about your age, weight, height. Don’t post pictures more than a year old or with brown hair if you have just dyed it tomato red. When people see your picture and arrange to meet you they are expecting to meet who they see in the picture. Anything else is deceptive and disappointing. Don’t post a group photo. We can’t tell who you are and we are not interested in meeting the group. We are interested in meeting you.

Don’t say you are looking for a long term relationship if you are really seeking friends with benefits. One reason I have so many options to choose on profiles is so people can really connect with people who are looking for the same things. If you are married, separated, divorced and a bit fragile and just want to test the waters then say so. “I just got out of a long term situation and just want to meet new people for fun and conversation and see how it goes for a while before I start to think about anything serious again.” People appreciate honesty and transparency. It shows that you respect them and it also shows you have a level of integrity about yourself.

8) Tell us who you are.
If you want to capture someone’s attention, you need to put something on the hook before you cast your line. No fish on earth will bite a clean hook. Few people will respond to a profile that has nothing or very little on it. Why should they when the next one they click on has lots of info on it that they can read and connect with?

Talk about your hobbies and interests and convey your enthusiasm: “I like to skydive” is informative, but, “There is nothing like nude skydiving to really get the adrenalin flowing. There is just something so thrilling about plummeting down to earth at 100 miles an hour while grandma is tracking me with her telescope that is spiritually transcending,” really gives us a clear picture of your passion about it.

9) Tell us what you do professionally.
Why is this important? Because it helps us visualize you on the job doing what you do during the day and it helps us to connect with that image and with you. It further defines who you are and helps us figure out if we want to connect with you. If you are a butcher and the woman reading your profile is a member of PETA and a staunch vegetarian then why waste time emailing and chatting and then meeting if she knows in her heart of hearts that this will never work?

You can say, “I am a student” or you can say,”I am in my third year of college studying marine biology. You haven’t seen anything in life until you watch two starfish mating. It is the most life affirming thing on earth. When I finish school, my goal is to have a catfish farm in a small southern Delta town and export catfish to Dubai.”

Wow. I am so there…

10) Be open. Be friendly. Be approachable. Be fun.
Be someone that someone else would like to get to know better. And express who you are through writing. Profiles are written. Not every one is a good writer, but this is the medium that you are selling yourself in. It is a visual medium. If you don’t write well but can express yourself through speaking, then upload a 60 second video on yourself telling everyone who you are and what you are looking for. Keep the video short. Famed Canadian award winning film director Mack Sennet said never have a gag over 90 seconds. The audience loses interest.

Be respectful. Think about what you write before you write it. “I like women with big asses,” is not in any way flattering to any woman, even if she has a big ass. Don’t be crude. Crude is gross. Crude skeeves women.

A well thought out and prepared profile with good photos will get you noticed. If it is obvious that you spent no time on your profile, then whoever sees it assumes you are just a player and not seriously looking to meet anyone and will click off. If you take no time to fill out your profile, then why should anyone take time to respond? No one wants to respond to a void or a profile that says,”I’ll tell you later.” That’s like saying,”I have a secret and if I think you are worthy enough I will share it with you.” (Skeeving again.) NEXT.

Write complete sentences. If your language skills are not so good, then ask someone to help you express yourself in writing. If you can’t communicate who you are and what you are looking for then you won’t interest anyone.

You have to remember that there are millions of profiles on many dating sites. You are in competition with all the other profiles online. You have to see yourself as a product and wage an advertising campaign in order to get results. If you had to make a commercial for yourself and had to produce a 60 second spot, what would you say? What would your lead line be? You need an attention grabbing beginning, a well thought out, informative and exciting middle and a “close” to end.

The goal is to get responses. When you get responses then you can decide who you want to continue communicating with.

The bottom line is: If you are NOT getting responses online, it’s because your profile sucks. Even a profile with no picture will get a response if it is well written and compels someone to want to know more. Your profile is your calling card. It is your advertisement. It is your presentation of yourself to the online community. If it says nothing, offers nothing, then it will get nothing. And nothing is exactly what you can expect.